Everyday running
through her mind
Everything else
that didnt have time
igottadothis and ihavetodothat
this n that n that n this
Life spins around her oh so fast
Whenever the end,
However the start,
Doesn't even matter,
Place together, a heart.
This.
and.
that.
and.
that.
and.
this.
Start: slow motion,
With their first kiss.
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I like the "this and that" part towards the end, kind of slows the poem down. I also tried reading it in slow motion and that was tight.
ReplyDeleteI liked the overall poem and thought the format of it was very unique and interesting. Its hard to tell if this is all one frustrating moment of her not thinking too straight or if this is a day to day description of her frame of mind. Besides that I enjoyed it. Short and simple.
ReplyDeleteHi Sharla, I like your poems a lot. I am not sure how to match the title "Frank" with the haiku that follows, but I liked the poem. I really liked the first two stanzas in "Addict," which pose a certain irony to the assumptions we have when first encountering the title, but I thought the final third stanza starts to lose the poem's focus, especially the third line,"with the comfort of my friends on the rack." How did we get here from Destination: Mall?" Rack of clothes. I am not sure how you want me to respond. I liked "Slow Motion" equally well, though again I was not sure where the poem was going. Despite the "heart" mentioned in the 11th line, I was surprised by the "first kiss" in the last line. I follow the situation--we get so caught up in the thisandthat world of daily activities that we are startled when the world suddenly slows down, or even stops, when two lovers meet (or about-to-be lovers). I think you could bring this idea out more by using a couple contextual clues in the beginning of the poem. Maybe a concrete image of the girl's heart beating too fast from running around. Good poems overall. dw
ReplyDeleteYour poem "Addict" was a fun read-humerous and light hearted. I liked it alot. I also really enjoyed "Slow Motion" the poem was creative and I liked how it broke the grammatical rules in order to emphasize the various levels of intensity within the poem. The part where you run the words togther like "igottadothis" to show the speed and pressure and the responsibilities of life was clever. I love the way you illustrate slow motion with the one word lines and the surprise that it is because of a first kiss and falling in love. I had to go back and re-read the poem with the end in mind to better understand and appreciate and get the full effect of the poem though; so adding a little more detail before the slow motion to show that she slows down becuase she is falling in love might have eliminated that need. I don't really have much of anything else to suggest in the way of improvments; I just really liked this poem. :)
ReplyDeleteI loved this poem! Definitely one of my favorites so far... I really liked how you sped up and then slowed down... I was thinking that you could separate the "this. and. that." section from the section above and below it to slow the poem down even more. Also, I thought the line "Doesn't even matter" would flow a little better if you took out "even" and made it "Doesn't matter now." Again, I really enjoyed reading this poem. Great job!
ReplyDeleteSharla,
ReplyDeleteI loved the pace of this poem, and the way you played with your words and spacing. You do a great job of structuring the poem so that it is read exactly how you intended it to be! I was a little confused when you said "place together." What exactly is being placed together? Maybe just a couple more details would be helpful in understanding the poem a little more.